You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry.

In all honesty, I don't really consider myself a man of action nor to I cave to the rash decision before me. But in the immortal words of David Chappelle, "sometimes you gotta choke a bitch." Only in this case the bitch was random drunk douchebag walking down the street.

The scene played out as follows: walking from party A to party B with some people from school, including "my girls". These aren't just any girls though, they are are my fellow classmates who I've kinda taken a big brother approach. Ages 22-23, doe-eyed and rather fetching. So perfect targets for said douchebag. As he is stumbling and walking towards our group it is obvious he is drunk and making crass remarks that are clearly audible. So we speed up and huddle closer together - the norm.

But what the fuck? This guy clearly crossed the line as he approached my friend The Canadian. He gets within a foot of her and out of nowhere, my hand shoots out pushes him in the chest and tells him to suck a D.S. Oh fuck, what's going to happen next? A string of R-rated words are exchanged, all the while I am clenching my fist and telling him to stand the fuck down. My mind flashes between random episodes of UFC, those judo moves Dad taught me back in the day and Bloodsport. I'm just glad his friend grabbed him and got the hell out of there - that was a scary situation.

But yes, I got to use the patented "penis envy" line! Ah, balls of steel, iron will and rapier wit, how I love thee.

The thing is that this has happened before. It was like my senior year in high school and my rage was unleashed all in the name of chivalry and protecting the honor of one of my female friends. That time, said douchebags were a bunch of "fry throwers" who inadvertently (or not) hit my friend Marielle with a ketchup-laden spud.

Only this time, I didn't think I was going to get my ass beat. Maybe because I'm older and stupider now. Or maybe because I know doing the right thing is the better option. The moral of the story is that when The Quan rolls with four of his dimes, you don't fuck with them, lest you are prepared to face my dragon-style. Eat your heart out Jet Li.