Oh crystal ball
It recently came to my attention that the typical male living in the United States is married by the time he is 26. And with my 25th birthday (only a few shopping days left) soon approaching, I have a little over a year to get cracking. So here's my plan for the year to come:
August: It's going to be awfully hot and humid out and there's nothing better than sitting inside an air conditioned movie theatre, not the best place to actively meet women. That's other than when I'm stuck inside my cube at work, seeing as I've exhausted half my year's allotment of vacation days. And with my few free moments outside I'll probably be outside oggling the high-school girls soccer players practicing at the field behind my house.
September: Ah, back to school season always a red-letter time of the year as the streets, Ts and bars once again will be filled with buxom coeds. This is when I will meet a lovely 22 year-old Texan who has just moved to Boston to pursue her Masters in art history. We will engage in witty banter and enjoy over-priced cocktails at fancy hotel bars - which will be counter balanced by her providing me with free muffins, croissants and tasty beverages at the coffee house where she works to subsidize herself.
October: I will pretty much be too busy for much of anything romantic or that is the excuse I will use to remain single. My days will be devoted to working, my Sundays to the start of the NFL season and with any luck I will be in the midst of a whirl-wind tour of potential portfolio schools. The remainder of my free time will be spent as I spend most of my falls: masturbating and watching the MLB playoffs [insert Arod and keep your eye on the ball jokes here].
November:Wow things don't get better than this. A chill in the air and Sunday's completely devoted to football. Breaking out the sweaters and corduroy as things with the Texan resume up again. And as fortune will have it I will run into an old friend who is off again with her on again/off again live-in boyfriend of 6 years. Also there will be a slow day at work where I will shoot off emails to people I have not spoken to in quite some time, where with fortune on my side the Architect will respond and we will have a wonderful reunion get-together at Whiskey Park (finally able to pony up and afford something nice), resulting in dropping everything off my plate and getting my hopes up...
December: Ah the holiday conundrum. Do I partake in the festivities of ice skating at the Frog Pond, walking mitten in mitten past the Christmas tree and canoodling underneath mistletoe with my special darling or forgo any relationship in hopes of saving money up for that 27" flat screen and hooking up with the new intern at the office holiday party? Oh and I will also continue to pester my roommate about her cute friend. Nothing will come of this except rolled eyes.
January: Ah, a fresh start to things. Time to take stock, reassess my situation and realize that (eek!) I only have 8 months to meet the girl of my dreams, woo/wine/dine/seduce/"become one with" her.
February: I think I love her. She decided to wear a different set of delectable sexy panties for the entire week leading up to V-Day, where she wore something significantly less. I'm glad that it is cold and we're spending all our time indoors.
March: So the lease for her apartment is up at the end of the month (it's freaking March!!) and she's thinking that maybe she could crash her for just a few weeks if that's OK with me. Sure that's fine, my place is small but my bed is big. But her friend gives me the heads up that she had opportunities to crash at other places, but wants this to be our trial run. SOUND THE ALARM, SOUND THE ALARM. ABORT THE MISSION. Hiatus, sabatical, time off, month probation: call it what you will.
April: My motor must be running on rocket fuel as I just went from 21 to 30 like that. You know it's awfully funny that I tend to go from one end of the age spectrum to another. Don't worry I've been here before. And I'm riding the Ashton-Demi train for as long as I can. Sugar Mama, baby!
May: Yay, promotion at work. Boo, mini fender bender. Yay, found $50 on the street. Boo, blew $20 playing poker and spilled red wine on the shirt I bought with the remaining $30. Yay, visited NYC. Boo, she's away on bizness and no serious lovage for me. May = PUSH
June: Alright things are really heating up as I already met the parents, but now it was time to meet the twin brother who just came back from a 2-yr stint overseas. Yikes, I'm scared. They try fooling me with the ol' let's get him drunk, take him to a titty bar and see if we can get him into the champagne room routine. Sorry guys not falling for that. Oh yeah, your sister's got a banging ass. Want to see the pictures or the video?
July: You know she might be the One. Or at least she's more the One for quite some time as opposed to the One for right now or the One for the next 24 minutes.
August: Wow, I'm moving South to attend school at the end of the month. What do I do? Will she come with me? Well just to make things a little bit easier on her, I manage to slip one by the goalkeeper and... Hallelujah, my boys can swim!
Yup, so there you have it. My next 12 months are laid out before me and it looks like I found my lucky lady. Nothing could be simpler. And then I ask myself, I'm definetely better than the typical guy (I'm in the 97% percentile afterall. What you think I was goint to crack the top 99%? Comeon I'm just being honest here) so does that mean I need to married before then or after. Eitehr way. Oh and if things manage to play out like that, shoot me, just do it.
2 Comments:
absolutely hilarious writing this time, Quan. Love it.
enough chit chat, frank! let's get some posts on your blog!
--Tennyson
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