On bended knee

Maybe if I was a lesser man (or a freaking woman) my biological clock would be ticking. I'm sure it's just a matter of circumstance, but it seems that quite a few acquaintances I know are taking that long walk to blissful matrimony, slowly being picked off one by one without even knowing it. I know I felt differently at a much earlier age, but now, I feel that getting married at our relatively young age is very much akin to rushing into getting a tattoo. Hopefully it will work out for the best, but odds are pretty much a crap-shoot. At least some of these heathens will finally stop living in sin...

Call me old-fashioned but that's the problem, kids just don't have any sense of proper marriage etiquette. I think that we need to bring back some tradition to the modern wedding. And we should start things off with the age-old tradition of Fortnight. What's that you ask? Well anyone seen Braveheart? It's essentially the Gaelic tradition of a two-week all-you-can-eat sexual free-for-all with the supposed bride-to-be (just broke the land/air record for number of hyphenated words in a sentence.) Talk about liberating. This is the Bride's last chance to sow her wild oats, unless she wants to be branded with the A of shame. Frankly it's a no-lose proposition, unless you're the Groom. But if he complains, it's not like he'll lead any sort of brutal uprising. He's got a giant wedding bill to foot.

Don't get me wrong I'm all for the idea of marriage, but I still got at least another year of making stuff up to get girls in bed.