Christmas party'd out cold

Saturday was my fifth, and hopefully final, party of the entire season. Sure I actually have Christmas day and eve to celebrate, but those will be small family affairs. At this point I will gladly exchange some prime rib and quality R&R in exchange for the forced mingling and copious amounts of booze. Don't get me wrong I am thankful for said booze, but a guy's gotta have his limit. So by this time you know that all Christmas parties break down into two camps: the friendly party and the office party. Let's deal with the former first because I'm sure by now you have encountered your fair share of office soiree etiquette. But you don't come to Quan'sWorld for the Most Popular Advice or The Season's Do's & Don'ts. You come (because you are bored and/or are amused by my antics, hopefully)

My ground rules for Christmas party etiquette:

OK so it goes without saying, don’t get fired over whatever you do. The joke wasn’t that funny. She wasn’t that hot. And if she was that hot, then she sure as well wasn’t that old. This is pretty much the one and only unbreakable rule for the night. Now it’s up to you to enjoy yourself as much as possible on the company dime.

Step 1-
Make out at much as possible. Just be sober enough to recall the entire event and DO NOT show embarrassment. The office gossips can smell fear a mile away. That way when you do hear the whispers you can scream, "This is America dammit, I pay my taxes!" HR has no response to that.

Step 2-
If I ever deem the occasion necessary enough for a sports coat and/or a liberal dash of cologne, in the days between November 31 to December 30 I expect an open bar. Seriously people. If there should be a cash bar, feign disdain never feel obliged to tip said tender. In fact when one of your coworkers reaches for his wallet, roll your eyes and mutter, “I can’t believe we have to pay for these.” If there is said open bar, only order mixed drinks. Nothing bottled and no more than 2 glasses of wine with dinner.

Step 3-
FREE FOOD can't be beat. Revert back to undergrad days. Bring Tupperware if possible. Bacon wrapped scallops, sushi, spinach dip, filo dough wrapped anything, all in a good night’s work. And the Holy Grail of hor devours: shrimp cocktail.

Step 4-
Dress better than everyone else. This works in conjunction with Step 1. By no means does this mean black tie if decorum calls for (shudder) business casual, but on the other hand a nice pair of Dockers isn't the answer either.

Step 5-
Make it a point to dance with a girl in a backless dress regardless of who she is and the music being played.

Well there you have it in five simple steps, my advice for surviving Office Holiday Parties.