Best. Teeth. Ever.

You ever been so drunk that when you are home after eating a bunch of random late night pasta that when you brush your teeth it is friggin awesome? I'm talking about "oh yeah, baby, yeah yeah, that's the spot right there, baby good".

Yeah me neither.

But speaking of bubble-gum flavored flouride treatments, right before I left Mass for SF I had my teeth cleaned and the woman said that I had the best teeth she's ever seen. Yup, in the history of Lakeville baby! Yeah history being made.

An open invitation, nay a plea, to take a girl to see the new Sex in the City movie

I once prided myself on the fact that I never saw Titanic. James "I'm King of the World" Cameron did not get one bloody red cent from me. I did not shed a tear when Leo plunged into the icy depths. I did not see a Rubenesque Kate Winslet bare herself. I wanted nothing to do with the Oscar-winning behemoth. When my girlfriend wanted to go and see it, I told her that we would see Good Will Hunting instead and she would like it. We did. She did.

To this day I have seen nary a moment of it. When it comes on TV, I changed the channel. When my family watched it one Christmas, I played board games with cousins. And now that the fervor has died down considerably and the movie has been reduced to a blip on the pop cultural radar of the 1990s, I'm wondering if I missed out.

My paradox is that I love the splendor of being caught up in a moment and want to be a part of it. I love how revolutions form and sweep the masses, no one knowing why until it's already too late. Sex in the City is my chance to rectify the mistake from my past and to forge a a new Tipping Point where one previously did not exist.

With that being said, I want to stand arm in arm with you as your strap on your Manolo Blaniks and take to the streets to see what Carrie has in store for Big.

A warning: I may be going in cold to the premise of the movie, but I will be going in not to ridicule, but to embrace. I have seen only one episode, but it was the watershed Rabbit one (granted it was on TBS). I know that Sarah Jessica Parker is the horse-faced one principle character. I know the blonde is the slutty one, the brunette was involved in some sort of sex tape scandal and that there's a fourth character. I also know that none of them can hold a candle to Eva Longoria.

It burns when I don't pee

There's comedy, there's high comedy and then there's transcendent comedy. Touching your penis after slicing jalapeno peppers falls in the latter category. Luckily I had a glass of buttermilk on hand to which I was able to dip my member in.

But in the big scheme of things corn bread conquers all. Yes, including carrot cake, which is just a receptacle for cream cheese frosting anyways.

They laughed, they cried and a lawyer introduced me to his daughter aka The Speech

I'm willing to share my Pop Tarts and will always offer you a beverage when you visit. But I'm an only child so throw me a damn bone. Quite honestly, I just love being the center of attention.

The beautiful thing was that from the start, nothing went as planned. Even after forgetting my champagne and then soft-shoeing to retrieve it, somehow it all went off without a hitch. I'd say 60% was from what you see below and the rest was off the cuff. And yeah, I was nervous, my palms were a bit damp and yes, it even got a little dusty near the end. Without further ado.

Excuse me everyone, if I could have your attention I'd like to take a moment to put all those public speaking and improv classes to good use and say a few words about two of the most wonderful, beautiful and happy people that I know.

But before I begin, I’d like say thank you to both families for having us her. Mr. & Mrs. Grimes, Mr. & Mrs. Webb thank you for a wonderful evening. [APPLAUSE]

For those of you who don’t know me my name is Mike and I’ve had the great fortune to know Frank for almost 20 years. I’d like to say that we’ve been friends for that long, but seeing as that when we first met I was in the 4th grade and Frank in the 3rd. And as we all know grade-school rules dictate that it is impossible to be friends with someone in a different class than you.

But somehow we managed to overcome our differences and forged a relationship based upon three things. 1) the realization that we were both only children, 2) a common disdain for riding the bus to school in the mornings and 3) a love for orange soda and after-school cartoons. I guess you could say the rest is history.

And 20 years later I’m here today as Frank’s best man. And while I may be the best man tonight, this evening is about the real best man, Frank, and his beautiful bride, Annie.

Annie, I know it may sound cliché, but Frank is literally the brother I’ve never had and I’d like to think he feels the same way. Which means you are now my new sister-in-law. That means for all the adventures that Frank and I shared in the past, from the countless late-night Frosty runs, the early morning rides into Fenway. [DOUBLE FINGER POINT] and everything in between, you’ll be the one who’s along his side now. And I couldn’t be happier.

You make Frank laugh, you make him smile, you make him strive to be a better man. There’s nothing more that I could want for him. In fact, I will even begrudgingly concede the front passenger seat to you, the next time the three of us are traveling together. But don’t get used to it, per the rules of the Treaty, it only lasts for the honeymoon year.

Frank, Annie I’m sure I speak for everyone here tonight when I say I look forward to sharing many more great memories, holidays, special occasions and smiles with the both of you. I know you won’t need it, but I wish you the best in your life ahead together. I love you both. Congratulations. [APPLAUSE]

I wish there had been a videographer, but my first and (most likely) only best man speech was almost lost to the passage of time. If not for the draft that was fortuitously saved in my Google Documents, it would have had to survive solely as a cherished memory in the minds of those who attended Frank & Annie's lovely wedding.

UEFA Final Man U vs. Chelsea - LIVE BLOG

Pre-game festivities include some sort of Russian dancers and a people dressed up as flowers. An intro of overblown Olympic-produced proportions.

26:18 - GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL-Ronaldo

44:23 - GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL-Lampard

45:00 - Half

90:00 End of regulation

Penalty Kicks - Man U 6-Chelsea 5

Man U wins 1-1!